Wibble

Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

A few quick jokes from Dunken Made me smile .. hope they help your day!

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ ‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from  San Francisco  to  New York City  ?’ The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’ ‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.. ‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective. ‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied. ‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’ ‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’

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Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’
Joe: ‘Really?’
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. ‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ ‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied ‘You’d never get it all in one.’ He’s still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target Hypermart.

Dear Mrs.Hudson

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J. Hudson are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Police were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.

One of the clerks passed out.

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?”

He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

Wish I could think so quickly!!

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.  He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ” Licence and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Glasgow cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming”

Glasgow cop says “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  Licence and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says,   ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration, and you give me the ticket.  If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’

Glasgow cop says “Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says “Dae ye  want me to stop, or just slow doon”

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
   • When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
   • The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
   • After wrecking your boss’s car.
   • When she is using her teeth.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. however complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.  In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
7.  In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she’s officially your girlfriend.
10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
13. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
15. Women who claim they ‘love to watch sports’ must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly ‘just a friend’ have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.
22. The girl who replies to the question ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ with ‘If you loved me, you’d know what I want!’ gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation- End of story.
23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
24. Never wear a man bag to work.
25. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
    • ‘GUTS’ is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, ‘are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’
    • ‘BALLS’ is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, ‘You’re next, fatty!’